Sweet Dreams and Beautiful Nightmares

Rae
Jun 22, 2021
3 min read

Welcome back !

As most of you know, well, for those who’ve read my last upload, you would know that I am on a quest for truth. Truth in all things. I want a deeper understanding of who God is, as well as a deeper understanding of who I am.

On this quest, I’ve had to have some really deep conversations with myself. I’ve had to ask myself questions that honestly, I didn’t want to answer.

One harsh reality that I had to come to grips with, is that I would allow others to dictate how they handled me even if it was at the cost of my mental health or my feelings. Specifically in romantic relationships. I’d allow the man to have complete say so when it came to my time, my emotions….really my overall happiness.

I know, I know… you may be asking, Rachel, how could you be such a pushover? Well, the answer to that is simple…. I didn’t want to be by myself.

One truth that I had to accept is that I am afraid of being alone.

So, to prevent that, I’d allow others to place stipulations on when I could see them, when I could talk to them, what we did, where we ate… I’d allow them to control our conversations…. In other words, I allowed narcissistic behavior to occur within my relationships.

Ultimately, I would feel so low. So invisible, so misunderstood, completely unheard, and undervalued. I allowed these things to occur and I would never say anything. All because I didn’t want to produce conflict. All because I didn’t want to face the truth.

A lot of us (me, I’m a lot of us lol) set ourselves up for the disappointment we experience. I’ve learned that if and/or when someone already told me or showed me the truth, I need to believe them the 1st time and take it for face value. I needed to understand that it is what it is and they are who they are.

I would have a hard time with the truth, because, oftentimes it went against whatever fantasy I already had conjured up in my mind. But, as I learned to truly accept the truth, in its entirety, I learned that the truth will truly set you free if you allow it.

So, that’s what I’m doing. Accepting truth. Learning and unlearning and relearning. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.

Being honest with myself is the hardest thing I think I’ve done to date. I’ve had to come to many realizations such as, I’ve outgrown certain crowds, certain relationships no longer serve me, and there are certain mindsets I can no longer allow to occupy my mind.

I’m now in the process of elimination. It’s like now that I know, it’s now time to act and do…. Yeah, I know I need to cut ties, rebuild certain relationships and a few other things...but knowing and doing are two completely different things.

Truth:

The one thing no person can outrun. It’ll always find you one way or another. Truth can be inexpressible. But it’s not like truth can always make you feel. It’s not a desirable feeling when it hits you, most times. But, it is a feeling that every single person will experience in their lifetime...one way or another.